Looking Back

Like I said in the sidebard, this blog is a duplicate of the website that was created by husband back in 2005. We closed it in January of 2006, mainly because of money and lack of visits. Times have changed in two years and so many of us have blogs now (that are hosted for free.) Many people have asked, "Do you still have your old website? I have a friend who was just diagnosed and it would be great for her to read it." So, back by popular demand, aliciabradley.com!!

It was actually was really tough to read my journal entries. I have spent much time copying and pasting through my tears. Even Greg commented that the emotions just come roaring back as he read through it. It has been highly beneficial for the both of us to re-live our experience. But it is even better that I get to share it with you.

Since 2005, my journey has continued. 2006 was what I called the year of celebration. I celebrated everything, the sounds of birds in the morning, the smell of coffee and the taste of my favorite food (during chemo everything tasted like well, nothing.) I even invented a "yummy, yummy food dance", a spontanious little jig when I ate something that was super yummy. I couldn't get enough of life. I watched my hair get curlier and curlier, and likened my self to a brunette Shirley Temple. Greg and I shared our vision of moving onto a boat with our parents and friends (which went over mostly well.) We treasured each other everyday.

Well, 2007 crashing down like the slip roof onto our first boat, Almost There. I found myself crying a lot when I was alone and I couldn't figure out why. I would get overly upset at simple mistakes or inconvienences. After I totally freaked out when the washer ate my dollar without washing anything, I knew I needed help. I sought help at my church's counseling center, New Hope Counseling Services. Over the past few months, the Lord has showed me how to grieve my losses (breasts and loss of intimacy with my own body, being the big one, but also the loss of being who I was before cancer. I have suffered greatly and that changes you. Any one who has journied through cancer knows that you are not the person you were before cancer. While I celebrated the joy I experience in 2005, I hadn't yet grieved the losses.

I have now learned that it's good for me to be upset with my losses. The anger that I thought I couldn't control or show over various issues has now come under the light of Jesus Christ. He is the Lord of all of me, even the angry part. Some might say, "See you should have cried more during treatment. You like to hide things." The truth is, the Lord carried me through that year. I remember thinking to myself, "Cry more, darn it! You should be more sad over this." But nothing would come out. I now realized He protected me. Ya know that, "He leads me beside cool waters, He restores my soul," thing. It's true! I was in that Valley of the Shadow of Death and believe me, He comforted me. I am dealing with that now, and I am no longer ashamed of my weakness because He carries me.

Oh, I am still my perky, child-like self. That's just who I am. But I now understand the other parts of my heart. I feel more whole now (and that I can celebrate!) I pray for and look forward to the rest of the journey. I just keep my eyes on Him.

Under the Mercy, Alicia

P.S. I'm losing my curls :( But I still like having hair :)